New Motherhood

I still can't quiet grasp it. I'm a mom. A mom, yes, a mom. I say "Kev, this is our daughter. Our daughter. Our daaauuughterrrr.....and it still doesn't seem to sink in! Wait, is it really a girl? I was so sure it would be a boy. Yes, it's a girl, and she's so beautiful! Our eldest will always be a girl. 3 months today, and I'm still in awe. Will it always be like this?
For the last 2 weeks, I've been reflecting. What does motherhood mean to me? What are the important transitions, feelings, things to remember? Sapphie is having a nice nap now, so I thought I'd blog about it. To you all mothers out there, old, new, and someday to be, here is a summary of what I've learned so far based on my own experience and a little research.
When I was pregnant, I was talking to my best friend and mother of 3, Christina. I was commenting on how people seem drawn to me. Complete strangers wanted to touch my belly, and tell me their story. Friends and strangers alike were asking what I thought were totally personal questions: "will you breastfeed?" "if so, for how long?" "what type of parent do you plan to be?" "what is your birthing plan?" "are you going to go back to work?"...the list goes on. It was all so overwhelming! I didn't know the answers to half of these questions, and I felt like I was being judged already. Christina summed it up for me. "Being pregnant is just the first step, and once you have children, you are never your own person anymore." Christina, you were right.

If I'm not having wild and crazy nightmare-daydreams about all of the things that can happen to my daughter, I'm dealing with comments, suggestions, questions and advice from all angles. Things like "you should let your baby cry, it's a stress reliever!" (Actually, whereas crying relieves stress in adults, it is associated with increased cortisol in the circulation, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure in babies. In short, for babies it is a stressor. In addition, we are programed to respond to our babies' cries. It's evolution! Leaving your little one to cry on their own can have serious implications in the long run. Your baby needs to learn to trust you, and you need to learn to trust your instincts. Baby's cry for a reason. It's the only way they can communicate, and it is our job to respond. After they can use words, then the negotiations can start). "She sleeps in the bed with you??!!! Don't sleep with your baby, you'll suffocate her!" (Actually, I've reviewed the published research on this subject and guess what? Sleeping with your baby can actually decrease the risk of SIDS, because your baby takes cues from your sleep/wake cycles and never enters the dangerous deep sleep that can cause them to never wake up. And, as a bonus, you sleep better because you don't have to get in and out of bed all night. What's more, if it's something that feels right to you, what is more special than cuddling with your little baby all night long, and waking up to their beautiful smile in the morning? If you're obese, a smoker, or a heavy drinker, you should not sleep with your baby). "you're breastfeeding her AGAIN?! Geez, does she really need to eat that much?" Yes, she does. Why would you withhold food from a human being growing at an exponential rate?

Okay, enough of my venting. I realize that I'm not alone, all mothers go through this. And, the amazing thing is that most of the people who make these comments have great intentions! They just want to help, even though it can sometimes feel like they are judging, acting the expert, and making you doubt your motherly instincts. Christina handles it like a pro. I don't know how she does it! She just smiles and says "thank you." I'm definitely more outspoken and have a hard time not debating - I've been trained to debate and defend my point of view until the opposition has been beaten into submission. But you know what? We are all in the same boat. All mothers, all parents, are just trying to do the best they can. We all have different approaches to parenting, and that's okay. There is rarely one right way to do things. All you have to do is:

• Do your best. Trust your instincts. Whatever feels right to you, that is what is right for your baby
• Don't judge other parents. For the most part, we are all trying so hard to do what we think is right
  
• Don't waste your time arguing with people who you think are misinformed and giving you bad advice. Just smile graciously, thank them for their input, and, as Kevin suggests to me all the time, think to yourself "cancel cancel", and move on.

Look at that. In 3 months, I'm an expert on parenting! Anybody need some advice?!